Kids who don’t fit in (duh).
People who type like this: OMG. Mah fAvvv <3 <3.
Umphrey’s McGee fans.
Girls who didn’t get enough drama when they were younger.
Girls who can’t read. Or think.
Jonathan Safran Foer
30somethings who were cool when they were 20something.
Your mom when she’s at her time of the month.
Boys who don’t read.
Boys who can’t read.
People I would love to hang out with.
Guys I want to date.
Guys I want to sleep with. (The difference between the two Russian authors lies in the fact that I think the Underground Man is sexier than Pierre Buzukhov).
Christopher Buckley (or William F. Buckley)
People who love excess verbiage.
Workaholics seeking validation.
David Foster Wallace
Confirmed 90’s literati.
Jane Austen (or Bronte Sisters)
Girls who made out with other girls in college when they were going through a “phase”.
People who like good music.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
People who can start a fire.
People who used to sleep so heavy that they would pee their pants.
Ninth graders who think they’re going to be authors someday but end up in marketing.
People who like bondage.
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
People who drink scotch.
People who drink old fashioneds.
People who get their class from Vanity Fair.
People who don’t use conditioner in their hair.
Edgar Allan Poe
Men who live in their mother’s basements. Or goth seventh graders.
Doctors who went to third-tier medical schools.
Doctors who went to medical schools in the Dominican Republic.
People who used to get lost in supermarkets when they were kids.
Guys who are in the third coolest frat of a private college.
Women who give their boyfriend marriage ultimatums.
People whose favorite day in elementary school was “Grandparent’s Day”.
Women whose favorite color is hunter green.
People who are good at crosswords.
Your drunk stepmother.
Women who are usually constipated.
Men who score a 153 on their LSAT exam.
Girls who keep journals (too easy).
Conspiracy theorists (too easy).
People who are bigger conspiracy theorists than Orwell fans.
People who have read only one book in their life and it was To Kill A Mockingbird (and it was their assigned reading in the ninth grade).
Guys who wear skinny jeans and the girls that love them.
Men who own cottages.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
People who get adjustable-rate mortgages.
Men who use words like ‘dubious’ and ‘tenacity’.
Bret Easton Ellis
Foo Fighters’ fans.
Hunter S Thompson
That kid in your philosophy class with the stupid tattoo.
Men who don’t eat cream cheese.
Pearl S. Buck
Women whose favorite president was Harry S. Truman.
Female high-school English professors who only have an undergraduate degree.
People who used to be fans of J.D. Salinger.
Women who liked the movie “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” but didn’t read the book.
Women on the East coast who wish they were from the South.
Cougars who went to an urban college in the 80s.
People who liked Gilmore Girls – even in the first season.
Men who argue Neil Gaiman is overrated.
People who have never been dungeons master but still play D&D.
11th graders who peed their pants while watching the movie It.
People who can quote the Comic Book Guy from Simpsons.
Only children with Oedipal complexes.
People who move to Thailand after high school for the drug scene.
Youth group leaders who picked their nose in the 4th grade.
People who know how to perform a “Michigan left”.
Girls who can’t spell “leheim”.
People who bought the first generation Amazon Kindle.
Guys who haven’t convinced their girlfriends to try anal yet.
Alexis de Tocqueville
Political theory and constitutional democracy majors.
People who skipped school by hiding out in the gym.
People who own one straw chair in their house.
Women who have repressed their desire to go to Renaissance Festivals
Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Men who can’t lie but will instead be silent if they know you don’t want to hear the truth.
Older women who are surprisingly loud during sex.
Girls who intern at Nylon but end up moving back to the Midwest for their real job.
People who didn’t go to college but do well on crossword puzzles.
Girls who are too frightened to go skydiving.
Women who have an @aol.com email address.
People who own a smart phone which requires a stylus to use it.
No one. Even the police say Clancy before they’ll say Baldacci.
The girl who just turned vegan to cover up her eating disorder.
Andrew Ross Sorkin
People who refer to themselves as “playing devil’s advocate”.
Men who have names like Earl or Cliff and were really close with their paternal grandfather.
Female high-school French teachers who have their master’s degree.
People who hate Ayelet Waldman.
People who own golf head covers.
People who love buying drinks for their friends. See also, people who cringe when they see their bar tab.
Women who live in any area of Brooklyn other than Park Slope, but may end up there someday and if that day comes, they will switch to Barbara Kingsolver fans.
People who don’t mind the color orange.
People who would never dream of owning any type of “toy” breed dog.
People whose parents are divorced.
People who have their significant other grab them under the table in order to shut them up whenever someone else at a dinner says something absolutely ridiculous and wrong.
People who google image search Padma Lakshmi late at night.
People who went to art school after “trying it out” at a public university.
People who played Creep by Radiohead while having sex or smoking pot.
People who do not like John Cusack movies.
Elementary school teacher’s aids.
Jorge Luis Borges
People who took care of their dying grandparents.
People who really like monkeys.
People who can’t resist anything. See also, people who claim they’re going to change but never do.
People who would never dream of owning anything that could be classified as a “knick-knack”.