April 24, 2011

I love (to hurt) you


I find it kind of hard to tell you all this, maybe that’s why I felt the need to write it down somewhere (and hope you see it – I know this sounds pathetic)… I don’t take back the things I said so far, I don’t appreciate you less, I don’t want you less, it’s just that I’m not sure anymore that we are that right for each other. I have my needs and, of course, you have yours, but I’m not sure anymore that you are able to fulfill mine. I’ve seen several sides of you so far, some of them I liked, but the ones you now constantly show raise me doubts. I’m not sure we could be able to make it as a couple and I’m not even sure anymore that we could make it as friends. It doesn’t scare me and it doesn’t give me any regrets either. I’m just a bit disappointed, because I was hoping you would be different from the other men in my life. I was hoping certain situations in your life made you see things differently and made you appreciate some other things more. I thought I knew what you needed, I thought I had it for you, but …I’m not sure anymore. What I hate the most about this strange relationship of ours is that you managed to raise me doubts. You disturb my stability and you make me wonder about attitudes…mine and yours. You’re hot than you’re cold, but again, so am I… For a moment there I came to believe that we were able to leave pride out of our relationship, that we both understood it’s better to talk things through, no secrets, no silence treatments, no raised egos…
I feel better every time we talk and open our hearts to each other. I was always honest to you and tried my best to lay things out for you, even though I find is so very hard at times. I know that for some time you did the same for me and that made me happy. I never got the chance to tell you this, but you drew me a new smile, that I’m still wearing from time to time.
You’ve changed and I’ve changed too, due to your new attitude. Still I refuse to believe that the reason for your sudden change was that shallow. I still hope we’ll go back to what we had at first or at least what we thought we could have.
We both got into this searching for something different than we previously had, we were both running from scars and bruises that we provoked or that other provoked us…but look us now hurting each other, probably out of unconscious revenge. We are not what we thought we were and most of all, we don’t seem to be right for each other.
Do you remember how we used to be afraid of falling in love with each other? But that never happen to neither of us, did it? For a while you stopped giving the butterflies, it was that period of time when was angry at you for almost giving up on me and for being so ready to break our story, while it was still fresh. Oh, the disappoint me you provoked me! But then you said that it wasn’t true, that you weren’t ready to break anything and that you just needed to look out the window a bit. I believed you, looked in the mirror and smiled, than I took you back. But your behavior…still raising me doubts and I wish we weren’t so complicated and we could talk this through without any retains. I wish you felt the same and I wish you weren’t so defensive all the time. 

I’m tired of all those 7th grade type of relationships, filled with tons of unnecessary sugar! I don’t want you take me out on boring dates that smell like coffee, I don’t want to take anymore park walks hand in hand, I don’t want useless “symbolic” gifts, I don’t want us to be all over each other 24/7. All I wanted from you was to give me that feeling of belonging, the feeling that you’re mine and I’m yours.
I was fooled by the way we grew so close in so little time. I didn’t want anyone to find out about us, but then again, I wasn’t bothered by the fact that you were constantly showing your affection in public, and now I sort of miss that, I must admit.
I don’t know what we’ve become and I’m not sure what we’re heading towards. I don’t know if you’re the one pushing me away, or if we’re pushing each other away. I don’t know if we’d rather prefer to be alone than with each other. I don’t know which one of us can answer all these questions… I just hope we’ll turn out good and my worries are useless.