October 22, 2011

The unlikeable

I’ve been trying for some time now to write something down, but somehow I still find it difficult to write, to put down any thoughts. I don’t seem to figure out any explanation for that. Practice makes perfect, one might say, but I think I’m also unmotivated. Given the situation, lately I’m trying to calm down a little bit, or a little bit more. I’ve been receiving negative feed back from close friends and family and I could not fight their words, because they were right. Several features of my behavior are defective and sooner or later that needs to change.
A while ago I was writing about some major disappointments I had. Well, add another one or two or maybe even three to those.
Right now I feel like I have a stake to fight for, something that takes loads of patience to accomplish and I find it very difficult to put up with it since I lack patience by default. Some say I’m fighting for a lost cause and it would be better if I gave up once and for all and “move on”. But even though I feel like giving up at least three times a day and I feel like I’ve tried everything in absolute vain, I still don’t want to let this go. Most of all, even if this doesn’t work out the way I want, I still want to prove something to myself, so… painful show goes on.
I have deep roots of unhappiness, I’m always negative and pessimistic and always running around a vicious circle of negative energies. It has added unnecessary years to my face instead of adding it to my behavior. I’m a child stuck in the body of a full grown woman. I lack experience I missed things I’m never going to run into again. What bothers me most about this is that it drags me down, makes me function with a permanent delay. Honestly, I often find myself scared that I’m never going to fill up the gap, get on the right track do the “right” things (as socially accepted – whatever that means). Point is I have needs and I’m unable to fulfill them. I’m most worried about long term consequences. I look back to things and people I’ve left behind and I try to analyze the reasons and I always come up with a scenario that I want to put behind, to forget, to erase. Everyday I want to be able to start over, but I don’t have the enough amount of optimism to see a bright new start in every sunrise. I simply want to fix some things… I just wish I was given the chance to make things right…
Most of all, I need some time alone to learn how to deal with myself, before I deal with…others.