February 23, 2016

Love only lasts three years

I finally moved away from it all. I left it behind, I left them, but most of all I left him behind. I didn't (and still don't) feel any remorse by leaving behind my greatest passion, maybe because I know this is not our final good-bye; in fact I didn't come this far to only come this far, right? And I didn't even feel sorry for a second that I had left behind those people... As a matter of fact, it actually felt like a relieve. Maybe this is exactly the kind of feeling you are supposed to have when leaving a place where you fit, but where you don't belong. 

On the opposite, it felt very painful to give him up. If I were to compare it to something, it would have to be a candle flame going out. The last day I saw him felt like mourning. I took a good look at him, as I knew I will never get another chance. I took a mental picture I wanna carry around with me for as long as possible. I went away without a proper good-bye as my feelings for him were flooding my soul. I had lost him forever then and there. 

He's not perfect and I'm not either, but for the first time in half my life I felt he was a keeper. Yet, I had no clue how to do that. I only pushed him away with my awkward moods. I always felt this strange connection to him and no matter how bad he hurt me in the past, I always wanted the best for him. Yet, I wasn't able to give it to him. Today it's his birthday and that's how we actually got to say the last words we'll ever tell each other... 

For as painful as it turned out to be, I never would have wanted to let go, I never would have wanted this to end. I'm used to making excuses and coming up with explanations, but this time I can hardly find any. So much is lost. I'm not Adele, so my hopes of ever finding someone like him do not exist. 

I don't know if things actually happen for a reason, or they are just random facts. I also don't know if losing some will eventually win you some... As well as I don't know about karma or if I should be thankful for unanswered prayers. All I know that then and there my heart broke in a way it hadn't before. I'm not depressed, I'm just sad. I made my choices and they all led me here. So, yeah, I really can't tell if things ever happen for a reason.